Effingham

Funniest GA Town Names

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I can laugh because parts of my DNA were in Georgia centuries before anybody sailed in wanting to name it after a European monarch with blue piss.

Goon Wisdom #7

"We gonna start piss testing employees. If your sample clean, you're fired."

Goon Wisdom #6

"Sometimes there'll be this sense of family with them and my people, but then something happens and you realize, damn. These people really don't give a shit about me."

Goon Wisdom #5

G1: "Those Cali people in the back geeked."
Cali guy: (walking into lobby) "WELL I'M GONNA GO I HAVE SOME BIZZLE TO TAKE KIZZLE!"
(Crickets)
(Leaves with tail between legs)
G2: "You know those tight pants makin him sterile."

Goon Wisdom #4

G: "Sun hadn't come up yet, it's gonna rain. That's babymaking weather! Don't wear a rubber when it rains."
"Man why you tryna make babies?"
G: "I'm gonna have some kids. I need something pure in my life like a baby girl. All y'all muthafuckas corrupted."

Goon Wisdom #3

"Zero bars don't come in King Size, baby."

Goon Wisdom #2

"I quit smoking because I thought I found the equation for the universe inside a Sprite bottle."

Goon Wisdom #1

"You know what China Brush is, baby? Google China Brush."

Oración de Rosas

Enjoy the come up, because it might be all you get.

Feliz Cumpleaños

One time in CPort I watched a crackhead squat in front of Mercury Lounge, take off a pair of lace women's draws he was wearing over his track pants, and throw them in a palm tree. He saw me looking and told me not to tell anyone, then took another pair out his backpack, put them on, and kept going down the street.

That's why they let you carry around a Solo cup and drink in public in Savannah.

St. Patrix Day

Written in my water bill:

"This year, Department of Watershed Management's mascots Captain Clean Stream, Chatty & Hooch and John Flush will be on hand for Atlanta's St. Patrick's Day Parade, tossing beads, candy and conservation aids from the Department's float."

I wish Atlanta would leave GA St. Patrick's Day to Savannah if the best we can do is John Flush throwing shower heads and candy from a toilet float. Basic infrastructure doesn't need mascots.

MUZiK Saturday

Wet Willies is what would happen if QT could get a license to sell open containers and poured well rum in the fountain. It reminds me of my last day working at the Shirt and Beer store in Savannah when my coworker showed up drinking a Call A Cab, got halfway thru, then went to take a nap in the back on top of all the leftover St. Patrick's shirts. The customers kept telling me that there was a vagrant sleeping on the clearance table and I forget whether it was harder not to laugh, or to pretend like I was going to do something about it.

It wasn't the first time I quit that job, just the only one I gave proper notice. Several months earlier, I walked out in the middle of a shift and went to Popeyes because they tried to make me wear a leprechaun beard in February. Standing in line waiting on my extra biscuits, one of the Wingmen MC told me he saw the whole thing and congratulated me for not letting them punk me out over a green stovepipe hat.

Corona

Just because you have haters doesn't always mean you're doing something right. You might just be doing everything terribly wrong and won't shut the fuck up about it.

Savannah Workout

Strength Training : Throw the furniture out the back door and light it on fire.

Cardio 3x/week : Break dishes on the patio while drinking.

Warmup : Jump off the roof into pool
Cooldown : Crossbow target practice with any remaining furniture.

Training Diet : Biscuits, BBQ sauce, gin, green tea.

I'm not mad at personal trainers, but I like working out by myself and don't understand why anyone would drop that kind of money on a person to harass them with medicine balls and motivational screams. But this is America, where we prefer to be forced to do things while pretending we meant to.

I watch telenovelas in the gym.

Egyptian Porno Theater

A jackal is that kind of grinning dog-creature that shits where it sleeps and can't even do that without another jackal congratulating. They are the mean laugh track to all of life's crueler moments and can be found in all colors, genders, and industries, barking about how everyone is either stupid or a hater, but white-knuckle addicted to all that stupid-hater attention. Avoid the jackal in all your dealings unless you need to wake up every morning to the sound of screaming laughter as the pack tears off your pant leg, then tries to sell it back to you.